Divine Ranmadies
by ukie1
Summary: It was said that whoever chances on the Golden Bough can use it to gain access to the underworld. Well, Ranma got it - and ate it too. Now he can reshape Hell to his will... or has it already been changed by his subconscious fears?
1. Desperately Seeking Ranma... or, Fringe ...

"Heh, that was easy." Standing proudly over the prone form   
of his opponent, Saotome Ranma let one of his trademark   
smirks form on his face. Said opponent's dark shawl and   
black cloak was slightly singed at the fringes, with tendrils of   
smoke wafting out of sleeve ends. The battle had been   
surprisingly short… actually, the guy just fell over half-way   
during the fight and crumpled onto the ground without a word.   
Now that Ranma thought about it, the strange guy didn't really   
talk all that much anyway; all he said was that he was called   
Shi, and the next second, he pulled out a wicked-looking   
scythe and started swinging. Of course, a minute after that,   
Shi was quite busy twitching and curling into a fetal position   
by the walkway in the park, which to the pigtailed martial   
artist counted as giving up the match. Needless to say, the fact   
that this Shi person had brushed aside his ki-blast like a fly   
and wove through the chestnut fist while bending over to   
polish his shoes with a black cloth was momentarily forgotten   
to Ranma as he continued to smirk.  
  
Saotome, however, wasn't so completely engrossed in his self-  
congratulation that his recent opponent's spasms and moans   
didn't begin to bother him after a while. He crouched down   
and tapped Shi on the shoulder. "Hey, you okay?"  
  
The man called Shi replied with a series of wheezing coughs   
and retching sounds, but managed to reach into the depth of   
his seemingly fathomless cloak and pull out a golden, rod-  
shaped object. Attached to one end was a post-it note, with   
the name "Saotome Ranma" written on it in a scratchy hand.   
  
"For me?" Ranma pointed to himself with a finger and   
queried with a look of utter clueless-ness.  
  
At this, the figure uttered a curse between clenched teeth, and   
spoke sarcastically through the shawl. "No, you idiot, it's for   
Tendo Akane!"   
  
A minute later, Ranma walked away from the park, leaving   
behind the now curiously silent figure and the large bump   
sprouting on his forehead.  
  
xxx  
  
"Um, Akane, this is for you." Said Ranma back at the dojo   
while scratching the back of his head. After a moment, he   
added. "Some guy named Shi dropped it."  
  
Flipping off the TV, which had just now been airing yet   
another rerun episode of Sailor Moon, Akane yawned and   
stretched and straightened up from the couch. "Oh." She oh-  
ed after sparing an uninterested glance at the shiny, knobby   
object in Ranma's hand. "That's nice... but why would   
someone give me a stir-fry carrot? Oh well, I guess we can   
have it for tonight."  
  
Resisting the sudden shivers traveling down his spine, Ranma   
pointed out helpfully. "Uh, Akane, that's a tree branch, not a   
carrot."  
  
Akane nodded absently, not having heard a word he said.   
"Yeah, I guess this will have to do. I was cooking a snack for   
you and left it on the dining table when Yuka called me on the   
phone. But," she frowned before continuing, "the food was   
gone when I came back downstairs. Kasumi said some guy in   
black showed up looking for you while I was talking with   
Yuka in my room, and she treated him to the snacks on the   
table, thinking they were the chocolate munch-balls she   
brought back from the candy store yesterday."   
  
"Oh." This time, Ranma oh-ed. In the background, there   
suddenly was a strange noise, not unlike the torturous creaks   
of rusty gears that started to grind after years of neglect and   
poor maintenance.  
  
"Don't worry though," the shorthaired girl said happily.   
"Now that I've got something to use, I can cook dinner."  
  
"Er, wait. What were you making before anyway?" The   
question was asked partly in hope that it would distract Akane   
enough so she won't remember to make good on her word of   
making dinner, and partly out of a morbid sense of curiosity.  
  
"Chunky beef stew, why?"  
  
"…" Ranma began to edge away, noting that it was a very   
good time to make an exit and preferably leave the house   
altogether for an extended training trip.   
  
Narrowing her eyes, Akane reached the same conclusion.   
"You're not thinking of running away again, are you?"  
  
"No, why?" The rightfully accused grew a huge sweat-drop   
on the back of his head as he stammered.  
  
"Because I'm getting tired of having you slip out on my   
cooking, Ranma." Akane sighed in exasperation, gently   
pushing him into a chair. "So, I've decided that I'll tie you   
into a chair and force-feed you from now on if I catch you   
trying to run."  
  
xxx  
  
"Open wide, Ranma!" In her oil-stained and sooty apron,   
Akane announced cheerfully as she wielded the sauteed tree-  
branch like a naginata and waved it in front of Ranma's wide,   
panicking eyes.   
  
"But I haven't tried to run away yet, Aka-mmph!"   
Unfortunately, his protest was muffled by the piece of wood   
shoved into his mouth.  
  
"Well," Akane explained a little too sweetly, "think of this as   
a preventative measure. I'm so glad Nabiki-neesan suggested   
it to me, don't you agree? Ranma?"  
  
By now, of course, Ranma's face had turned a few shades   
beyond purple. His vision dimmed, and through his ears he   
heard the ebbing rush of the ocean that was his pulse. With   
his remaining strength he managed to utter the first, and likely   
last words that came to his mind.  
  
"Uncute tomboy…"  
  
  
  
  
  
Ukulele Studios  
Proudly Presents  
  
Side Project Omega:  
  
  
D I V I N E  
R A N M A D I E S  
  
A Ranma ½ crossover fan-fiction.  
  
  
  
"Mama, what's hell like?"  
  
"Well," a gentle voice paused in reminiscence, then replied   
honestly. "He's a hunk."  
  
"He?"  
  
"Yup. He's your father, actually."  
  
"…Dad?"  
  
  
PROLOGUE: Desperately Seeking Ranma.  
  
  
-1-  
The seed that blossomed into the fateful incident had been   
planted one month ago, almost exactly to the day. In   
retrospect, Mizuno Ami cursed herself for being stupid enough   
to get dragged into the whole mess. But… Rei was a good   
friend, so she guessed she had to help her out when the fire   
priestess was in a jam. It's just – well, who would've thought   
the girl was such a crazy fan for Ranma ½ manga?   
  
About three weeks into the new semester, Rei's school   
implemented a mandatory computer literacy course for all   
students. Poor Rei, being traditional and a bit thick on the   
fingers, couldn't type to save her life and was therefore   
singled out as the most technologically challenged of the class.   
In fact, the little incident where she took half an hour to find   
the power button of her monitor on the first day of class   
spread like wildfire around the campus, much to Rei's irk and   
mortification. Of course, it wasn't her fault; who needed a   
screen or a remote control when you can watch TV through   
the sacred fire? Not that many of the senshi knew Rei spent   
half her fire viewing sessions homing in on soap opera signals   
after her grandfather discovered the religion channel and had   
been hogging the only television set in the shrine twenty four-  
seven.   
  
So, to make a painfully long story short, the raven-haired   
priestess came to Ami one afternoon soon after and asked for   
an introduction into the world of computers. It was a slow and   
often frustrating start, but sheer stubbornness alone willed Rei   
to continue. And, within two weeks, the inevitable happened.  
  
Rei discovered the internet. And, to Ami's horror, the chat   
rooms as well…   
  
xxx  
  
MIZU has joined the channel.  
RANMA88 wb, Mizu.  
MIZU *sigh* it's not like I'm here by choice, you know?  
RANMA88 ehehe, gomen.  
MIZU so, did you get all the commands down?  
MIZU for that matter, why do we have to meet in #Ranma?  
RANMA88 yeah, I think everything's good now, thx.  
RANMA88 I can probably get on without help from now on.  
RANMA88 Btw, Mizu, you just missed out something good.  
MIZU Oh? What is it?  
RANMA88 It's a conspiracy theory that ppl's come up here.  
MIZU Conspiracy?  
RANMA88 Yeah, the ppl here have been quoting the series   
like the Bible. They're saying Takahashi originally   
wrote Ranma during a fit of divine inspiration… in   
fact, they say that Takahashi coded the secrets to go   
to another world inside her manga, most likely in the   
names of the protagonists themselves.  
MIZU Haa???  
RANMA88 I know, freaky, don't you think?  
!RANMA 88 *winks* at MIZU.  
MIZU I think you need a break, that's what I think. You've  
been reading Foucault's Pendulum again at three-  
thirty in the morning, haven't you?  
RANMA88 How did you guess?   
MIZU Honestly! I lent the book to you because I thought   
you'd be interested in learning about other religions,   
not for this!  
RANMA88 No, really, listen to this. There's really a   
connection here. See, it's all about names. Ranma's   
dual sex gender prompts us to interpret his name in   
parts. "Ran", which means "chaos", and "ma",   
which means "horse" in Chinese. But, it can also   
mean "mother", or in a more general sense, "parent".   
And of course, Genma is Ranma's father, and the   
first character of his name means "mystery". So, it   
does make sense, considering the old notion that   
chaos rose from the unexplainable, the mystery.  
MIZU …I'm speechless.  
RANMA88 Wait, that's not all. It's been a consensus in the   
manga readers that Happosai is actually Genma's   
grandfather, and if we are to trace Ranma's lineage   
by name association, clearly you would think that the   
connection breaks there because his name didn't end   
with a "-ma", right? Wrong! When he's first   
introduced in volume 7, his forthcoming was foretold   
by bad omens associated with the signs of demonic   
presence. The fact that Happosai later proved that he   
could summon demons makes him more of a yoma   
than a human. So, we can conclude he was using a   
false human name after all.  
MIZU *sweatdrop* er, so… what was his real name, in your   
opinion?  
RANMA88 Why, the clues are all there! Since we see   
Happosai as a yoma, we can safely assume that he   
would yell out his own true name when he attacked   
his victims, all of which turned out to be women's   
underwear. And what did he say? "Hotcha"?   
"Sweeto"?  
MIZU If I remember correctly, I think he said "Akane" the   
first time. You mean Happosai's real name is   
actually Akane?  
RANMA88 …er, no. What I was getting to was that those   
translations could also be translated differently.   
Instead of "hotcha" or "sweeto", his words could   
have as well meant something like, "Yo, Mama!"   
Which fits perfectly, don't you see? Since he's a   
representation of demonic forces, his true name must   
therefore be "Yomama"!  
MIZU …I'm positive I'm not hearing this right.  
RANMA88 The only thing now is to figure out the one   
missing link – Genma's father, and Happosai's child.   
It's possible that this whole riddle hinges on his   
name, especially when he's not mentioned anywhere   
in the manga! It's almost as if he's been hidden   
deliberately, so that no one would figure out how to   
gain access to Takahashi-san's world.  
MIZU Um, Rei?  
RANMA88 Yeah?  
MIZU Quit IRC. Now.  
RANMA88 Okay, okay!  
RANMA88 has left the channel.  
MIZU Seriously…  
RANMA88 has joined the channel.  
RANMA88 Oh yeah, I forgot.  
MIZU What now??  
RANMA88 Call me RANMA88 when I'm in here.  
RANMA88 has left the channel.  
MIZU …  
!MIZU slaps RANMA88 around with a large trout.  
RANMA88 is nowhere to be found.  
MIZU AHHHHH!!!  
MIZU has left the channel.  
  
  
-2-  
If one thing Ami could count on her fiery-tempered friend the   
most, it's tenacity. Two days after the chat room session, Ami   
received a call from Rei. "It's Taoma."  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"The missing link, Ami! Taoma is the name of Genma's   
dad!" Rei exclaimed excitedly.  
  
Ami cringed. "Oh, not that again!"  
  
"You see," Rei went on despite the uncustomary loud protests   
on the other side of the phone, "The Chinese mysteries   
originated from Taoism, which means "the way." And, Tao   
had its roots in the spiritual forces of nature, which in ancient   
times were more often than not malevolent, which means they   
were yoma – and there's the link to Happosai! See, it all   
connects together!"  
  
Realizing any further protest was useless, Ami switched to a   
different tactic and decided to play along. "Okay, Rei. Let's   
suppose you're right, and there's really something into this   
whole other-world thing – which I still think is completely   
nonsense – how does figuring out the associations of names of   
Ranma's lineage help you?"  
  
Rei paused for a moment. "That's what I'm still working on,"   
she admitted after a while. "What I believe is that Tao, or "the   
way", has been hidden by Takahashi symbolically. The only   
connection I've got is that since all the major characters   
inevitably show up in Nerima, Taoma must come to Nerima as   
well. Actually, he might have been hiding somewhere inside   
Nerima the whole time… wait! I've got it!"  
  
"Don't tell me you think Nerima is actually a symbolic   
representation of Taoma now, or I'm hanging up." Ami   
deadpanned.  
  
"No, no, I mean I think the mystery of Taoma may be literally   
hiding inside Nerima, as in the word itself. Maybe as a part of   
the letter combination."  
  
"You're really stretching it, Rei."  
  
Lost in her own thoughts, Rei asked suddenly. "Um, Ami,   
can you get the Mercury computer up?"  
  
"What for?"  
  
"Can you do an acronym search for Nerima? Something   
might come up."  
  
"…no."  
  
"Please?" Rei whined.  
  
"Absolutely not. This is ridiculous. I'm going to bed, Rei."   
And Ami hung up.  
  
xxx  
  
"All right," Ami called back a few days afterwards. "I've got   
a name. Marie N., short for Marie Noman."  
  
"I knew I could count on you, Ami." Rei smiled gratefully   
over the phone as she chewed the information over silently for   
a few minutes. "Noman… Noman… Wait a second, this is a   
girl?"  
  
Ami raised an eyebrow on the other end. "I don't know many   
guys who'd call themselves "Marie", Rei."  
  
"That's weird… how can he be a girl?"  
  
"I dunno." Having become quite fed up over her friend's   
strange obsessions over the last few weeks, Ami added with   
more than a trace of sarcasm, "Blame her parents? Why don't   
you just give up, Rei? There's no way this Marie person is   
your Taoma."  
  
The sarcasm was completely lost to Rei, who was deep in her   
own thoughts. "No, there's gotta be something I'm   
missing…" Suddenly, her tone grew excited. "Wait, I got it…   
Why, that's perfect! You know what this means, right?"   
  
"No," Ami intoned dreadfully.  
  
"This means that the theory of the mirror world has been   
confirmed! Remember how the Ranma gang used the Nanban   
mirror to travel to different times and places? It follows that   
Taoma, who must have somehow left the Ranma world and   
traveled to ours, becomes a mirror copy of himself… and how   
else to do that other than to be transformed into the opposite,   
mirroring sex? And, what a more perfect name to give   
himself than "Noman", after he found out the price of coming   
here? Ami, you're a genius."  
  
"God knows why I'm doing this for you," The blue-haired girl   
exhaled deeply. "And, for your information, perhaps he just   
had a sex operation after he came here, for whatever reasons.   
Provided that indeed this Taoma person existed, and he indeed   
came to our world through some unknown magical means and   
lived under a pseudonym."  
  
Rei was momentarily stunned. "Um," she drawled out, "I   
guess… that's a possibility too." She managed in a distasteful   
tone. "It's a good way to hide your identity, at least."  
  
"So," Ami asked, "now that we got this name, are you   
satisfied?"  
  
"…Let's contact her."  
  
"WHAT?"  
  
"Does she have an email?"  
  
Ami was close to seething now. This was getting way too   
much. "Yes, but I won't do it!"  
  
"Pretty please?" Rei whined again.  
  
"Absolutely not!"  
  
  
-3-  
Five days, three hours and forty-seven minutes later, Rei   
received another call from the resourceful senshi of Mercury.   
This time, she noted, Ami actually sounded happy – a fact that   
was quite strange to the fire priestess. In fact, she could tell   
Ami was trying hard not to giggle out loud. "I got a email   
response from Marie earlier today. But," she paused,   
suppressing a laugh, "I'm not sure you want the message."  
  
"Of course I want it! I'll be the first one to prove that   
Ranma's world actually exists!" Rei exclaimed. Then,   
calming herself down from her sudden euphoria, she asked.   
"What did you write to her? And, more importantly, what did   
she say?"  
  
"Well," Clearing her throat, Ami replied, "I told her about this   
nonsense conspiracy of yours, and that you believe she's the   
one link that can provide you with clues to gain access into the   
Ranma world, that you're desperately seeking an answer, or at   
least some hint."   
  
"And…?"  
  
"She returned with five words of advice." With as much   
solemnity as she could muster in such a short time, Ami   
announced, "Marie said, and I quote, 'You must be officially   
nuts.'" Then, unable to hold out any longer, Ami started   
laughing.  
  
"H-How dare…" Rei sputtered indignantly, but was quickly   
cut off by Ami.  
  
"Rei!" She continued to giggle as she went on, "It's your fault   
anyway. I mean, if I didn't know better, I'd say as much   
under the circumstances." Finally, after getting her breathing   
back under control, Ami queried. "So you're finally giving up   
on this ludicrous theory?"  
  
"No," Rei replied immediately. "If this Marie won't   
cooperate, I'll just find another way to crack this puzzle."  
  
Ami was incredulous. "For god's sake, Rei! Can't you get it   
through your head that there was no puzzle to begin with?   
There's no mystical Ranma world hiding inside Takahashi   
Rumiko's manga, and there's no such person as "Taoma" who   
escaped from the alternate world to ours!" Without as much of   
a pause, Ami added, "Listen to the girl! She called you   
officially nuts – do you know what the official word for "nuts"   
is, Rei? It's lunatic! You're going to go mad if this goes on   
any longer."  
  
The raven-haired senshi, who had endured the entirety of her   
friend's tirade, finally asked in a quiet voice after a bit of   
silence. "What did you say?"  
  
"Um, that is, I mean…" Suddenly aware that her words might   
have hurt Rei, Ami was at a loss of words. "I mean, I didn't   
mean what I meant…"  
  
"No, Ami, I'm serious." Rei interrupted. "What did you   
say?"  
  
In a meek voice, Ami drawled out. "Um… I called you a   
lunatic." Then, she added, "I'm sorry, Rei."  
  
"Hold on, lemme think." Rei cut her friend off once more.   
"Lunatic… lunatic… luna… lu – that must be it! Ami, you   
cracked the message! It's the moon!"  
  
"I went a bit far, really, I didn't mean… huh?" The blue-  
haired girl paused in her hasty apology in total confusion.  
  
"It's the moon!" Rei repeated. "How clever… The original   
way is hidden, but there's a different route! Marie gave us a   
hint on how to look for the alternate way: Look for the moon!"  
  
"Oh. My. God." Ami gritted her teeth in frustration. "I don't   
believe this." Then, after a short pause, she sighed in a tired   
voice. "Does this mean you want to go to the moon now?"  
  
Rei didn't answer for a while. At last, with a strange glint in   
her eyes, the priestess said, "No. Not to the moon. This   
Marie, whoever she is, knows about us. She wants us to go to   
Usagi."  
  
  
-4-  
"Wait, wait!" Ami called to the fire senshi as she was dragged   
through the local neighborhoods in Juuban by the wrist later   
that afternoon. "Hold on, Rei!"  
  
Her plea was ignored. "C'mon, let's go! I've got a feeling   
that we're on the right track."  
  
Still being forced at a half-run pace, Ami countered, "But Rei,   
think about it! You're over-interpreting the message again.   
How in the world can she know that the senshi contacted her?   
And what reason does she have to want us to go to Usagi for   
clues?"  
  
Much to her relief, Rei slowed down. "I don't know, Ami.   
But, I'm going to find out. Things may have become more   
serious than I thought, if our identities are compromised. That   
just means there's even more reason to hurry!"  
  
"…Wait!"  
  
The two started running again.  
  
xxx  
  
Usagi turned out to be couching on the sofa in the living room,   
apparently engrossed in some sort of magazine when they   
found her. "Hey guys. What's up?" She said cheerfully   
without raising her head.  
  
"Usagi," Rei asked. "Has anything strange happened lately?   
Like, has any stranger approached you?"  
  
"Not really," Usagi, now totally baffled, did raise her head to   
look at them this time. "And how come both of you looked so   
flushed?"  
  
Ami, still too out of breath to reply, just shot Rei a mildly   
annoyed glance.  
  
Rei managed to look apologetic. "Um, well," she started, but   
seemed to fumble for words to continue. "We're just being   
careful, that's all. I thought someone might have figured out   
our senshi identities."  
  
The moon princess was surprised for a moment, but quickly   
recovered. "Naah," she said, her attention span in the   
conversation lost once more, "you're probably just   
overreacting."   
  
From her side, Rei could feel Ami giving her an "I-told-you-  
so" look. For once she kept her temper in check and did not   
choose to take offense on the "overreacting" bit, Rei asked   
again. "So you've never heard of someone called "Marie   
Noman", Usagi?"  
  
With her head buried in the magazine, Usagi mumbled   
something in reply.  
  
"Usagi…Usagi? Are you listening to me?" By now,   
however, the raven-haired girl could feel her patience   
beginning to wear thin. Noticing that her princess was still too   
absorbed in the magazine to answer, Rei's curiosity got the   
better of her. "Just what are you reading, anyway?" She   
asked casually.  
  
This got a reply. "Oh, it's an updated restaurant guide in   
Tokyo that I found in the mailbox today. I don't know where   
it came from though… whoever sent it to me forgot to put   
down his address."  
  
Go figure, Ami thought and smiled for the first time since she   
arrived at the Tsukino residence. Always count on Usagi to   
be… well, Usagi. The only book that could get her interested   
is either comics or restaurant guides.  
  
Expecting Rei to blow up any minute now over how, as usual,   
their leader chose to pay more attention to food than to her   
friends, she did not count on Rei saying something in an   
excited tone. "Wait," the fire senshi said to Usagi. "Turn   
back to the last page."  
  
"Huh? Um, okay." Usagi did as she was asked. "Um," she   
asked after a while, noticing how quiet her friend had   
suddenly become, "Rei? Are you okay?"  
  
Finding her interest piqued, Ami walked over to the duo and   
leaned over the sofa to see what had gotten Rei so interested   
all of a sudden. Perhaps, after all, Rei finally gave up on her   
silly theories, Ami thought to herself.  
  
What greeted her eyes instead was the photo of a newly   
opened French restaurant taken at night. "La Voie Nouvelle"   
– the new way, the advertisement printed. Not far off in the   
background, Ami could see the silhouette figure of the Tokyo   
Tower drawn out in little dots of light at evening, and to the   
right shone a beautiful full moon, the radiance cascading down   
the Tower in all her mysterious splendor.   
  
  
-5-  
"Remind me again why we're here up on top of the Tokyo   
Tower at ten o'clock in the evening on a school night?" Sailor   
Mercury asked Sailor Mars. "And why are we here in Sailor   
forms?"  
  
Mars replied. "Well, you did agree that this may be a possible   
new threat worth investigating into, no matter how small a   
chance it may be. And you saw the advertisement yourself.   
It's as good as confirmed that our theory was correct so far. I   
mean, remember that the Saotomes and the Tendos were   
supposed to be joined in family, right? "Tendo" just happened   
to mean the way of heaven, and what with Marie telling us to   
look for the moon, what more logical conclusion can you draw   
than the fact that we should go to the top of the Tokyo Tower,   
a building that is symbolically as close to heaven – and   
therefore the moon – as possible?"  
  
"We could always climb Fuji-san, Mars."  
  
"…" The senshi of fire said.  
  
"For that matter, now that we're here, what do we do? If we   
can really go to another world through the top of the Tokyo   
Tower, don't you think there may be some special magical   
incantation that we have to know?"  
  
"Er, no." Mars admitted. "I thought it's going to be like that   
news report a while back, where three girls on a school trip to   
the top of the Tower just disappeared suddenly in broad   
daylight."  
  
The blue-haired put a hand to her forehead and groaned.   
"You're talking about Magic Knight Rayearth, and that's a   
manga series, not news!"  
  
"Oh." Mars oh-ed lamely. "Maybe," she suggested in a   
momentary spark of inspiration, "we can find the hint through   
the word "Saotome"… after all, it's the only one base left we   
haven't covered."  
  
Mercury thought about that for all of three seconds. "Don't.   
Even. Go. There." She said in a low, dangerous voice. "If   
you're going to suggest something crazy, like how we should   
go to the side of the Tower that's closest to the moon and bend   
over the railing to emulate the gesture of girls plucking rice in   
a field, which is what "Saotome" literally means, and which   
you can probably find some hare-brained connection to how   
this gesture ties to the moon because we're in effect going to   
stick our butts out in the air and "moon" everyone else, I   
swear I'm going to leave right this minute."  
  
xxx  
  
"I can't believe I got talked into doing this," Sailor Mercury   
gritted her teeth and said to Sailor Mars, bending over the rails   
on the eastern edge of the top of the Tokyo Tower in a gesture   
not unlike a girl plucking rice in a field. "Do you have any   
idea how embarrassing this is?"  
  
Mars, in a similar position, shot back. "Well, you did suggest   
it."  
  
"I only meant it as a joke, not to actually do it!" The senshi of   
water protested. "Seriously though," she continued after a   
pause, momentarily giving in to her friend's adamant beliefs,   
"have you given any consideration as to what would happen if   
we really found ourselves in the Ranma world? I mean, how   
are we going to get back home?"  
  
"Um, I haven't thought about it."  
  
"For that matter, with your theory of the mirroring effect on   
the worlds, we could both end up as men over there, you   
know." Mercury added as an afterthought.  
  
"…" Realizing this herself for the first time, Mars turned to   
stare at her companion with bulging eyes. "Um, now that I   
really stop to think about this whole thing, maybe this isn't a   
good idea after all."  
  
"Should've thought of it sooner." Ami said. Or she thought   
she did. She only realized that she didn't say it in fact right   
about the same time Mars did, which was when someone took   
the ridiculously inviting opportunity they presented and   
booted the two over the edge of the railings.  
  
xxx  
  
As she remembered during the forced, if short, flight down the   
Tokyo Tower, the seed that blossomed into the fateful incident   
had been planted one month ago, almost exactly to the day.   
Again, in retrospect, Mizuno Ami cursed herself for being   
stupid enough to get dragged into the whole mess. Everything   
did make sense now, she realized. There really was some   
clever plan involved, it's just that she couldn't see it until now.   
Some new enemy must have found out about their identities,   
and tricked Rei into thinking that there was some cosmic plan   
hidden and coded in her favorite manga. Rei, being her   
stubborn self, was led around the nose her whole time. Right   
about now, this unknown enemy would turn their targets to the   
other senshi, and the two of them would never live to warn   
their fellows about the danger.  
  
Before darkness took over her, Ami's last thought was how   
humiliating it had been, to literally have their butts kicked   
over the edge of the Tokyo Tower by an enemy they didn't   
even see and falling to their deaths.  
  
  
[END PROLOGUE] 


	2. Inferno 1/2

The first thing he noticed was the feeling of soft grass cushioning his back, something welcomingly familiar to him during his long training trips on the road but has become all but forgotten lately as he returned to civilization. Curling his fingers, in an attempt to test his reflexes automatically, he allowed his hands to caress the yielding blades of green and linger there for a while to savor a sensation he had not felt for so long.   
  
His first coherent thought: Tree tastes horrible.  
Following closely: I can't believe I'm not dead yet.  
And finally: If I'm lying on grass, then I'm not in the house. Where in the world am I?  
  
Slowly, methodically, to answer this last question, Ranma opened his eyes one lid at a time.  
  
What greeted him immediately was a crimson skyline, with plump, noxious looking clouds that rolled over the horizon at an impossible speed, the tail ends folding over the heads time and again as they dashed through the backdrop of bloody, swelling redness.  
  
Alarmed by this strange picture, Ranma shot to his feet at once, scanned his surroundings before settling down into a predatory crouch - and almost lost his balance when he saw what lay before him.  
  
It was Jyusenkyo, the pools of sorrow.  
  
  
  
ukulele productions  
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side project omega  
  
  
D I V I N E  
R A N M A D I E S  
  
A Ranma 1/2 crossover fanfiction.  
  
  
"Urd, we need to head back to heaven right away. Father said there's been an emergency."  
  
"Why, what happened?"  
  
"Um... you know about the Golden Bough, right?"  
  
"Of course I know about it, squirt. I was the one who cut it off from the Yggdrasil when I was a kid and waving it around like Thor's hammer all week until Dad convinced me it wasn't such a good idea. So what's wrong, someone got a hold of it?"  
  
"Um, sorta."  
  
"Dad called us up there for this? Relax! Even if he did manage to defeat the Watcher, he still had to know the proper incantations and open Hell's Gate through Lake Avernus, and the spell's been lost to mankind for well over a thousand years."  
  
"Um, actually, the report says he didn't use the Bough to cast a spell..."  
  
"Haa? If he couldn't cast the spell, then what's the big fuss? You know what, forget it. You can go if you want; I'd rather stay and watch TV here."  
  
"...he just ate it."  
  
"And I'll get myself a warm bottle of sake to go along - say WHAT?"  
  
"The report says he was force-fed the thing by his fiancée and still somehow survived the freak accident. So, with the Golden Bough fully digested, he can recreate Hell in any fashion he wishes, provided that he can first overcome his own personal hell manifested from his psyche and learns how to control his powers... Urd, at this moment Saotome Ranma is officially, for all intents and purposes, Hell itself. And Yggdrasil is having fits over how to process this information."  
  
"..."  
  
"On top of that, we've got a Class 3 cross-contamination, likely a dimensional breach, so are you coming or not?"  
  
  
Chapter One: Inferno 1/2  
  
  
-1-  
Ranma twirled his pigtail absently as he pondered: Should I, or shouldn't I?  
  
It was a dream come true. After downing that piece of wood Akane fed him, he somehow passed out and woke up at the Jyusenkyo valley again. The bamboo poles were still there, so was the perpetual fog that clouded the mouth of the valley that made it seeming a place existing outside of time, where only the ones chosen by fate could have ventured to the springs.  
  
Perhaps Akane actually did him a favor, Ranma thought. It could be that golden tree branch was magical, not unlike the Nanban mirror. After all, after having seen so many weird things in his life, a magical piece of wood that translocate you after you eat it is simply nothing new.  
  
What was different, however, was the fact that he didn't remember the Jyusenkyo pools being marked by signs, with huge pointed arrows that says, "squirrel," "pig," or even "man." Nor did he remember the springs themselves so red, although it could be just a reflection of the strange-looking sky.  
  
Right now, Ranma was circling by the edge of the pool that was helpfully marked "Man", on a sign so large that anyone except Mousse could have made out from a mile away. Should I, or shouldn't I? He wondered.   
  
Oh well. Never hurts to try, he finally decided, and took the plunge.  
  
xxx  
  
"Gah! This place stinks!" A frustrated Ranma-chan emerged from the surface a short while later. Looking down quickly, she yelled. "Hey! What's the big idea? I'm still a girl!" Then, a moment after, "Why am I all red?"  
  
Suddenly noting that something had nestled itself between her breasts during the transformation, she reached into her shirt and pulled out the offending object.  
  
It was a hand. More specifically, a decaying, rotting hand, severed cleanly at the elbow. "Eew!" She screamed in a very convincing imitation of a horrified girl and flung the hand as far away from her sight as she could in reflex. "What the hell is going on?"  
  
Not that she expected an answer, but one came nevertheless. "A-ya! Young Miss! What you here doing in Jyusenkyo garbage dump?"  
  
She whipped her head around to face the familiar voice. "J-Jyusenkyo guide?"  
  
"Facilities manager, Miss, no guide." The beady-eyed man whom she recognized as definitely the Jyusenkyo guide replied, rubbing his hands together. Ranma was certain he wasn't behind the sign by the spring just one minute ago. "But why you in dumping ground?"  
  
"So, these aren't the springs of sorrow?" She asked, finally remembering to climb out of the putrid pool. "What about all the signs? I thought this was the spring of the drowned man."  
  
The Jyusenkyo guide - or Jyusenkyo facilities manager - scratched his forehead with a finger in confusion. "No such thing, young Miss. Sign says "Man", demons dump man here. New recycle program start last month, so need classify, see?"  
  
Suddenly realizing that something was very, very wrong here, the martial artist asked in apprehension, "What in the world is this place?"  
  
The beady-eyed man corrected him. "Not in world, young Miss. You in Hell. Now you in Hell's garbage dump."  
  
  
-2-  
Some hours later, when Ranma had come to, she found herself in the Jyusenkyo facilities manager's hut, which to her really was no different than the Jyusenkyo guide's hut back on earth. Trust Akane to not only kill me, but send me to Hell as well with her cooking, she sighed to herself. All her dreams, all her future... shattered by a tree stuck in her throat.   
  
"Oh no, Miss, you not dead! But why you not dead?" As if on cue, the Jyusenkyo facilities manager suddenly exclaimed with both hands to his cheeks, as if it were a blasphemous thing. Ranma, who had tuned his presence off until now, was startled by this sudden revelation. "What did you say?"  
  
"Only dead come here! Is wrong! Not know what do!" The man, still panicking and waving his arms in wild warding gestures, suddenly stopped and acquired a mad glint in his eyes. "Maybe, I kill you here..."  
  
xxx  
  
"...Maybe not." A minute later, the Jyusenkyo facilities manager wisely corrected himself as he peered at the new head-sized hole made in his roof, compliments of an impromptu ki-blast.  
  
"Now that I know I'm still alive, I just need to find a way back home." Ranma said with determination in her eyes. "You wouldn't know how to get out of this place, would you?" The menace in her voice promised excruciating pain if he didn't reply to her liking.  
  
"Y-Yes, young Miss!" The Jyusenkyo manager shivered as he answered. "But very complicated! You need guide, and go through Hell to Purgatory, then to Heaven, where gods grant safe passage home!" He quickly added.  
  
"Nothing I can't handle." Ranma eyed the manager carefully. "So, what are you waiting for? Let's pack. You and I are going," she said. "You're going to help me get back to earth."  
  
The facilities manager managed a soundless scream. "But young Miss! No can leave job! Will suffer Death of Hundred, no, Thousand Cuts by demons if do!"  
  
xxx  
  
The manager of the Jyusenkyo Garbage Disposal Facilities took one last, mournful look up at the clear view of the sky within the walls of his hut before locking his front door on his way out. It was more a symbolic gesture than anything else, actually; there's really not much of a safety issue involved in locking your doors when anyone else can climb in through the walls without being stopped by the roof first.   
  
Momentarily, he took a glance westward and shuddered. Fifty yards away, the majority of what was left of his roof had been deposited firmly into the ground with a loud "thud" after being blown cleanly away by the subsequent - and noticeably larger - ki-blast.  
  
"Where to now, young Miss?" He sighed. Nobody ever figured hazard pay of this sort into his job contract.  
  
"Wherever, as long as it takes me out of Hell." Ranma said absently, her eyes firmly set on the blood-tinged horizon. Then, taking another good look at herself, she changed her mind. "Actually, you know where I can find some place to clean myself up? I literally smell like hell."  
  
  
-3-  
After a few hour's walk through an eerie, barren landscape that consisted of mainly yellow-dried grass with pieces of whitish animal bones strewn over the road along the way, the two reached a set of dilapidated wooden entrance gates of what seemed to be an abandoned village.  
  
"Here we are," the Jyusenkyo manager announced. Ranma, who had been paying more attention to the ominous sky more than anything else during this short trip, finally noticed the sight in front of her. This looks familiar, she thought to herself. I'm sure I've seen these gates somewhere before...  
  
Slowly, they strode into the village center uninterrupted. There were houses and huts and stables made of wood, but curiously enough, Ranma had not seen a single soul since she got here. Then, taking another look in front of her, she did a double-take.  
  
In the dead center of the village, suspended between two massive trees ten yards apart, was a 100% genuine oak-wood Amazon challenge log.  
  
"Jo...Joketsukozu?"  
  
xxx  
  
"But where did everyone go?" Ranma queried her new-found guide after she found some clean water in one of the houses and quickly washed away the dried blood on her skin and shirt. She had thought about building a fire and heating the bucket of water she found, but in a rare moment of brilliance ditched the idea after remembering where she was at, realizing that this Hell was looking more and more like an alternate version of her own world. From that information, she concluded that she had absolutely no wish to allow the possibility of a Shampoo from Hell wanting to marry Airen as well - one on earth was more than enough, thank you very much. "I mean," Ranma continued disbelievingly, "The Amazons can't be all gone, can they?"  
  
"That, tragic story." The manager shook his head sadly. "Villagers you seek by lake. We go?"   
  
Bracing herself for the worst, Ranma nodded.  
  
xxx  
  
Near a clearing on the other side of the Amazon village, Ranma and the Jyusenkyo manager arrived at what seemed to be a small lake. True to the manager's words, the entirety of the Amazon population seemed to be huddling by the lake. Some were standing at the edges, but most were already in the water, apparently taking a bath. Strangely, no one was speaking as they lounged and played. Everyone, however, was naked. Ranma could make out some of the Amazons whom she knew by name on earth. She watched wide-eyed as Lin-Lin and Ran-Ran paraded in front of her in the nude not five feet away, and turned uncomfortably red as she caught the beautiful sight of Shampoo making laps around the lake in lazy, carefree backstrokes that made her proud chest heave and sway in fascinating ways...   
  
Then she puked when she saw the entire assembly of the Amazon Elders in the buff pogoing around in the water in an apparent race over the other side of the lake.  
  
The Jyusenkyo manager chose this convenient moment to explain. "See, young Miss. Used to be proud Joketsukozu here. Now is Lethe, Pool of Forgetfulness."  
  
"What in the world happened?" Ranma turned to the manager in horror.  
  
"This." The manager bent down to the ground and casually picked up a shampoo bottle that, evidently, was discarded on the dirt carelessly. "Secret Amazon treasure, Formula #119. Ah-h-h. Young Miss knows?"  
  
Ranma-chan could only nod.  
  
"Two year ago, someone dropped some bottles of formula in water during annual village hair-washing contest near lake. Since use lake water to wash in contest, everyone in village shampooed with formula. Now all forgot why they here, just sit around and play in water all day."  
  
"..."  
  
"Very tragic story, no?" The manager asked, shaking his head in an exaggerated fashion all the while.  
  
"What about her?" Ranma suddenly pointed to Cologne, whom she had just spotted by the bank and was, in contrast with all the others, still fully clothed... thankfully. Again, in direct contrast to her silent fellow Amazons, the Matriarch actually mumbled to herself, sometimes in coherent sentences, but at other times just uttering wails of lament. "Shampoo! Shampoo!" She cried in agitation as Ranma drew near and attempted to confront her, a feat that made the young redhead back away hurriedly in alarm. Seeing the pathetic state the proud Matriarch had been reduced to, Ranma found herself suddenly touched and asked with a strange lump in her throat, "Was she accidentally affected by the formula too in that contest?"   
  
The manager spared one glance at the ancient Elder. "Oh, that one. No tragic story there," he said dismissively. "Just has Alzheimer's."  
  
  
-4-  
It was relatively uneventful in the half-day's journey after they departed from the formerly Amazon village. By now, Ranma had grown used to the monotonous scenery before her: yellow grass, red sky, white bones on ground, and an occasional shrine of Satan or two by the roadside filled with ritual offerings giving off an unholy stench that permeated through the air in a hundred-foot-wide radius. Out of curiosity she had tried a few times to walk nearer to see what exactly was place in those offering bowls, but all she could make out was that they were filled with some tiny round balls with a black, metallic sheen, not unlike charred Pachinko pellets. Every time, however, the ever-present horrid odor forced her away before she could get too close.   
  
The only notable incident occurred when the two reached a vast field bizarrely blanketed by a dense, stationary fog. "This, young Miss," the manager paused briefly and proclaimed, "is famous Field of Unrequited Lovers. Must cross to continue."   
  
"Um, I can't see anything." Ranma admitted as they slowly worked their way into the fog. Just as she finished, a sudden peal of lightning struck from the red sky through the thick mist in the distant background.   
  
Something in the lightning gave Ranma the spooks. "I don't like the look of this...there's something very, very wrong here." She said to the facilities manager and stopped suddenly, her body tense in anticipation of some imminent attack.  
  
As if on cue, the mist in front of her parted, and out of nowhere a figure rushed towards them in a frenzied charge.  
  
"At last, my pigtailed godde-urk!" The sudden appearance of Kuno was promptly interrupted by well-timed uppercut that knocked him flying back right into the fog.  
  
"Just as I thought," Ranma finished with a twitch in her eyebrows. "Moving right along now," she instructed the stunned manager, dusting her hands.  
  
  
-5-  
After spending an indeterminable amount of time walking in the dense, choking fog, the two emerged into the entrance of what appeared to be a large forest. The fact that there were trees - live ones, with thick, green leaves that rustled in a gentle breeze - wasn't lost on Ranma.  
  
"There's a green forest in Hell?" She asked bug-eyed at the manager.  
  
"New tourist attraction," the man explained, adjusting his green hat and patting the last tendrils of lingering mist away from his uniform. "Very expensive. You now in Seven Deadly Sins Wildlife Preservation Park."  
  
"..."  
  
"Want look?" The Jyusenkyo manager beckoned with a hand.  
  
xxx  
  
"Why the hell would someone build something like this?" Ranma asked incredulously as she was led through the entrance.  
  
"Well," the manager replied, "Used to be hall here of seven most famous sinners, but last year agent on earth found one animal that had qualities of all Seven Deadly Sins. Animal thought more sinful than all seven sinners combine, so tore down hall and build home instead to honor animal. See?"  
  
"But... an endangered species? What could possibly -" Ranma ducked as Genma-panda emerged from his hiding place behind one of the trees and threw a tire at where her head was a moment ago. " ...Oh. Forget I asked."  
  
xxx  
  
Ranma and the Jyusenkyo facilities manager slowly made their way through the park. To her right, the manager was busy apologizing for the panda's sudden actions. "A-ya! Most times beast show Sloth, Greed, or Gluttony. So sorry, young Miss. No know why show Anger at you."  
  
"I'm sure I've got a pretty good idea," Ranma replied dryly. Then, as if something suddenly occurred to her, she frowned. "Wait a minute. You said this panda is capable of all seven sins, no?"  
  
"Why, yes. Is very special animal - very rare find."  
  
"Does the list include Lust?" Ranma pressed on.  
  
"Yes, yes. Lust is big on list." The manager agreed sagely. "Wait, young Miss, what you doing?" Suddenly, the man panicked when he saw fires kindling in Ranma eyes as she cracked her knuckles in a way that promised untold pain. He had seen her done that once - actually, it was right before she blew his whole roof away.  
  
"I'm going back to kill that no good, cheating panda."   
  
The manager paled. "No, no, young Miss! Animal protected! No can kill!" He tried to restrain the redhead girl, but end up being dragged along back towards the trees where they last saw the panda. In a sudden flash of inspiration, the man said, "No, I mistake, no Lust, no Lust!"  
  
Ranma slowed down. "No Lust?"  
  
"No, no Lust," the beady-eyed man confirmed, rivulets of sweat running down his oily face. "Mating season not start yet."  
  
"...Oh. I guess it's okay then." Ranma said after a moment of deliberation. "So," she asked in a slightly disgusted tone after a short while, "You mean they built all this just for that fat slob?"  
  
"Yes, yes!" The manager said excitedly, happy that the girl was no longer trying to kill the park's main exhibit. "We even have gift shop at back of park," he explained. "Sell hot dog, Oolong tea, and beanie-baby panda doll. Panda doll very popular. Scream and beg for life when hit. Is very good stress relief. Want souvenir?"  
  
Ranma considered the notion briefly. "Nah," she said finally. "I do that to the real thing back home every morning already."  
  
  
-6-  
"From here," the manager pointed out, "we get to home of the Unholy One." The two of them had only left the park not too long ago, and were now standing on top of a small hill overlooking a straight road that led to the base of a huge mountain far off in the distance. "Young Miss need pass Unholy One to go to Purgatory," he said in a voice that clearly expressed what he felt on the likelihood of that happening.  
  
"Nothing I can't handle," Ranma detected his tone and sniffed.  
  
"But, need go through Guardian before reach mountain pass," he added helpfully as an afterthought.  
  
"No problem with that." Then, sensing something amiss, "Wait, you mean Cerberus, the three-headed dog?"  
  
"Oh no. Dog quit. Not like new Crunchy Kibbles."  
  
"..."  
  
xxx  
  
"So who do they have guarding the gates?" Ranma asked as they made their way down the hill.  
  
The answer came when a giant hoof as high as her knees came down from nowhere and smashed into the pavement not three inches away from Ranma-chan's face.  
  
"Oh. Fancy meeting you here, Pantyhose." Suddenly feeling much better than she had ever been since arriving in Hell, Ranma grinned evilly and cracked her knuckles again. "Like I said, nothing I can't handle."  
  
Monster Taro just mooed in bovine rage.  
  
xxx  
  
Thirty minutes later, a very content Ranma and a wide-eyed Jyusenkyo facilities manager at last reached the foot of the large mountain, where a set of gigantic iron gates blocked the way to a narrow, winding pass that reached all the way to the summit. "Abandon all hope, ye who enters," a wooden sign with a helpful arrow pointing at the gates was erected to the left. Again Ranma could see that both sides of the pass were adorned by familiar small shrines made to what the manager called "The Unholy One".   
  
"This," the Jyusenkyo manager turned to the redhead girl with no small part of relief on his face, "is where I leave young Miss. Is domain of the One. You find Unholy One in altar " Seeing the questioning glance from Ranma, he hastily amended. "Sorry, rules say so. No can enter," he shrugged helplessly. After a while, Ranma nodded.  
  
"All right. You can go now," she conceded. She walked up to the gates, automatically stopping just before the foul odor of the shrines could reach her. Unable to resist any longer, she asked the retreating figure of the manager one last question. "Just what the hell are those things anyway?"  
  
The man halted in his eager flight and turned around. "Those? Ah, those offerings to Unholy One." He answered solemnly.  
  
"Your Unholy One likes chocolate balls?" Ranma inquired in a disbelieving tone. Well, as far as she could tell, they looked like chocolate balls.  
  
"No, not chocolate," the manager corrected as he resumed running away. "Is chunky beef stew."  
  
Hearing this, Ranma felt a sudden chill seeping into her spine. "I think," she said, "I have a very bad feeling about this." 


End file.
